Shadow Steps

*I find it helpful to journal out or Voice Note the answers to completion the first time you work on a specific shadow word. Over time, this process becomes automatic, and you can quickly do Steps 1 & 2 in your head in real-time.

 

  • *What do you feel deep shame about? What are you afraid people will find out about you?

    *What do you judge in others? Triggering people + experiences are mirrors, so what you judge in others, is what you can’t possibly admit about yourself.

    You may identify with many shadowy words or aspects, but your personal shadow words are the ones that would feel like a gut punch if someone accused you of being this way. Look for the words that feel most hurtful.

    Ex shadow words: I am stupid, crazy, unworthy, lazy, unloveable, emotional, cheap, incompetent, cruel, desperate, victim, greedy, etc.

  • 1

    When have I demonstrated this trait before? If not, where did I learn this trait is unacceptable or unlovable? Who in my life behaved this way?

    2

    What positive resource did I (or that person) receive as a result of being that *shadow word?

    Ex: Attention, feeling seen, a sense of belonging, love, control, protection, etc.

    3

    What is the core need behind the answer to Q2?

    Ex: Safety, Connection, Esteem, Self actualization. (You can look up basic human needs to get more specific ideas about our basic needs.)

    How can I provide myself this resource, without looking for it through external sources?

  • Take your answer for Q3 above.

    Now, take action in the physical world in order to preemptively provide yourself with that resource on a regular basis.

    How can you make this a habit?

  • This final step take place over weeks or months, after action has already been taken, and you don’t feel the shame or fear around the shadow aspect.

    Start to playfully refer to yourself as *shadow word around people closest to you, and eventually anyone you can.

    At this point, it should not feel bad, scary, or painful. You will have already accepted this part of yourself, and you will have fulfilled the hidden need behind this behavior. The old behavior was just a misguided attempt at receiving the resource.

    The shame around it will continue to fade the more you open up about it.

    The more you process the shadow (alone and with others), the more you will realize we all have the same fears & needs.